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I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

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Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

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Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

If thereÂ’s one thing I know itÂ’s God does love a good joke.

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Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

A hen is only an eggÂ’s way of making another egg.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

The truth is more important than the facts.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

If a man does his best, what else is there?

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

I am not young enough to know everything.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

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